Did I write this??? Shoot me now.

I decided to have a bit of fun with the Write Or Die application ( http://writeordie.com/ ) . The result is this *ahem* interesting specimen. Don’t let it put you off trying it though.

 I have 48 minutes to write 1000 words or this damned application is going to delete everything I put. This may or may not be a bad thing depending on how boring this all turns out to be. I’ll let you decide on that. Now I just have to dig deep into my addled brain and come up with a literary gem. Oh, and I must remember to stop going back and editing my work as I can do that later. It’s not as if the Grammar Police are watching me is it?

Right, onwards and upwards, first of all I’d like to say…..I haven’t a frigging clue so let’s start at the very beginning (aka Mary Poppins).

Once upon a time in a city called Jorvik, (well it’s York really but Jorvik sounds more fairytale), there lived a non princess called Kate who had found her Prince Charmings 1, 2 and 3. They didn’t actually turn out to be Prince Charmings, (more like frogs in differing stages of metamorphosis), so, being a resourceful gal, she decided to try a dating site. (Did I say resourceful? Sorry I meant deluded). Anyway, she met a really nice bloke who gave her lots of little presents and knew a lot about paint but then he turned out to have rebound issues. In her desperation Kate decided that she would stop all this relationship nonsense and concentrate on her writing skills. Well, when I say ‘skills’ I do use the term very loosely.

And I forgot to mention that she had 6 children. Quite possibly the only thing she ever did get right (or wrong whichever way you look at it). Anyway, said children were a great source of joy. They were exhausting, could be stroppy and cost a bloody fortune, but a joy nonetheless. So Kate decided to stop being a princess and become the ‘not so old woman who lived in a shoe’. Well a 3 bed house in South Bank really but this is fiction. Oh, and did I mention she decided to become a writer too.? Oh yes…I did didn’t I.

Well the moral of the story is if you want to be permanently skint, have carpal tunnel syndrome and alcohol issues best become a writer, have lots of kids and date feckless men.

How many words have I done so far? Will have a quick look before this application gets evil. OMG 400 words. Not even halfway there. Think Kate, think quickly cos this is getting dire.

Anyway, once upon a time there was the sound of screaming downstairs. DD2 & DD3 were having a right strop at each other. Now Kate had two choices. Either run down there, bang their heads together and risk the wrath of social services or ignore it and let the little sods…err I mean darlings tear lumps out of each other and carry on typing. She decided to grit her teeth and carry on. Unfortunately DD3 came up with her mega whiney voice declaring that her sister had tried to snap her ankle and also that she was extremely hungry….again. Now Kate decided, with good motherly grace, to ignore child (as you do) and send her downstairs for ‘5 minutes’ which as we all know is parent speak for ‘get out of my face and I’ll come down when I can be bothered’.

Hmmm….maybe this piece is a bit TOO truthful although I’m sure that there will be some parents out there that can relate. Those that aren’t phoning social services right now I mean.

Okay I’ve managed to scrape 600 words out of this exercise so far. And when I say ‘scrape’ I mean ‘bottom of the barrel’ scrape. Blah Blah Blah. For my final 400 words I devote them entirely to amusing observations and witty banter. Oh god….I stopped a little too long then and the screen went red.

Once upon a time there was a handsome Prince called John Simm. Unfortunately John Simm lived in Actor Land, a place where you weren’t allowed unless you were a) talented b) beautiful and c) didn’t have 6 kids, nits and a broad Yorkshire accent. Bad news for Kate then. This Prince is not to be confused with the other Prince John whose surname is Prescott and whom no right-minded princess would ever want to kiss. Although he certainly would look much better as a frog.

I now have a massive headache, a neglected brood and 24 minutes in which to eke out another 300+ words in the riveting saga of words. What the hell goes on in my head is anyones guess. Psychologists would have a field day…cows would just have a field. ‘groan’ There goes my one shot at being humorous.Not sure where that last paragraph was going. O yes….I remember now…straight in the bin. Along with the rest of this drivel.

I’m supposed to be writing erotica but I’m not really in the mood. I’m still in my PJs, my breath stinks & I look like Alice Cooper. Hardly the stuff dreams are made of. Plus, I have the wrong attitude. I’m always focusing on the crap in my life. Errrrr….hang on……that’s because there’s a lot of crap in my life. Oh no there isn’t. Oh yes there is. (You can tell it’s Panto season can’t you)??? Anyway (I say that a lot don’t I)? That’s it…I can’t do this any more. If I wasn’t so skint I’d go get drunk. Not sure why but I suppose it’s something to do. I might even meet my Prince Charming seeing as most blokes look like Prince Charming after a couple of bottles of cheap Merlot.

Hooray…..only 50 more words to go and I can cease from this self-inflicted torture. I only started this to warm up the little grey cells but now I’ m bloody exhausted, hungry and I need a pee. The girls are quiet though. Maybe they’ve strangled each other. Oh, where is John Simm when you need him???



3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sandra DeBrandt
    Dec 29, 2010 @ 17:15:15

    I don’t know if you intended this to be funny but I giggeled… almost through the entire piece. Very clever, and I don’t think I’ll shoot you just yet, LOL!


  2. Rebecca Emin
    Dec 29, 2010 @ 19:57:12

    Love it Kate! Really funny… and I hope it leads you on to other wonderful pieces of writing x


  3. Kimberlynn
    Dec 30, 2010 @ 18:54:16

    Kate, this was wonderful! I was not nearly as brave as you when I was there. I only managed 607 words in 21 minutes and I wouldn’t dare share them with another human being. I’d even be uncertain about aliens reading it for that matter. Anyway, yours was great. Thanks for sharing it.


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